


How many times must I remind you? He's the God of Lies!

by allisonfunn



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Community: norsekink, Crack, crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:57:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allisonfunn/pseuds/allisonfunn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If Loki would just stop lying for once then maybe the Avengers would stop asking silly questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How many times must I remind you? He's the God of Lies!

**Author's Note:**

> The prompt from Norsekink was:
> 
> "Thor tries to set the record straight about what Earth's myth about Loki.  
> No - his brother did not birth a horse, snake, wolf, and whatnot.  
> No - his brother did not get his lips sewn or have venom drip into his eyes.  
> No - his brother did not - goddamn it Loki stop trolling them! You and I did not have a love child that look like a giant hamster! If we did have a love child together it would look human and it will be majestic! "
> 
> And I had waaaay too much fun writing this.

Thor buried his head in his hands and groaned.

"For the last time, Son of Coul. I know what the lore says, but they are not factual."

Coulson pressed his lips together and leaned across the table. He fiddled with a pen in his hands, tapping it on the table.

"But when my men were interviewing him they said that Loki said he had been punished pretty extensively under the hands of the Aesir. I mean it doesn't sound far fetched that someone would want to sew his mouth shut."

"Loki said these things?"

Coulson nodded.

Thor threw his hands up. "He's the God of Lies!"

"All the more reason to want to shut him up."

Thor groaned before pushing his chair back. "I request to speak with my brother."

~~~

Loki's mouth twisted into a pained smile as Thor walked up to his cell.

"Thor. What pleasure do I owe this visit?"

"Your lies, brother."

"Oh, you speak a larger lie than any of mine, _Asgardian_."

"Loki," Thor warned.

Loki scoffed before crossing his arms, chains rattling.

"What about my lies do you wish to discuss?"

"What have you been telling Shield and the Avengers?"

Loki smiled wolfishly and chuckled darkly. "Nothing more than what has been passed down by their ancestors many years ago."

~~~

"Hey Thor?" Bruce asked, breaking the silence as he sewed a gash in Thor's upper arm closed.

"Hmm?"

"So Steve and I were talking and he was wondering if you were very old."

"Aye, that I am." Thor looked over at Steve who was sitting on the side of the tub that Bruce had filled with ice. "I am many hundreds of years old."

"And we were also wondering–" Bruce looked in the direction Thor had. "You're still not—? Steve. So help me God, sit in the ice bath."

"Rather not, thanks." Steve muttered under his breath.

"I don't care that you were frozen for forty years. If you don't get in that bathtub you will have the worse muscle cramps ever later."

"I'm a super soldier. I think I'll take my chances, thanks."

"Don't wake me up tonight when your muscles start screaming at you."

Steve rolled his his eyes and Bruce scoffed, directing his attention back to Thor's arm.

"As Bruce was saying," Steve chimed in, "we were also wondering how Loki had children."

Thor's brow furrowed. "Just as you Midgardians do." He paused. "Unless something has changed that I was unaware of."

"You asked the question wrong." Bruce muttered, attention still on Thor's arm. He cut off a piece of the thread and set it aside. "He wanted to know if Loki really did...have children with various animals."

Thor exhaled harshly. "Did you also ask Loki this?" Steve nodded curtly. "And he said?"

"To ask you," Bruce said, packing away his kit, throwing away the scraps and leftover bits.

"Do not believe my brother. He is a notorious liar. Especially about Norse mythology."

Bruce nodded. "That's what I thought, but Steve wanted to ask you to make sure. He was worried about beastiality and the morals of the Aesir."

Steve huffed incredulously, "I told you not to tell him that!"

"Yeah, well I told you to get in the ice bath but look where that got me!"

"I am not getting in the ice!" Steve shouted.

"I will put you on ice if you aren't careful."

"Is that a threat?"

"Get in the tub!"

"No."

"I will throw you into the tub!"

"I'd like to see you try!"

"Oh, don't test me!"

Thor chuckled fondly as he slipped out of the med-room while Steve and Bruce bickered.

~~~

Thor was sitting in his room reading a book about modern Midgardian weaponry when Natasha knocked on the door frame. He smiled brightly at her.

"Widow woman!"

"Hey. I have a question..."

Thor dog-eared the page he was on before setting it aside.

"And what is it you are inquiring?"

"What poison did you guys drip on Loki?"

"Well we—wait, what? Poison?"

"Yeah, in the Poetic Edda. When he was bound to a rock or whatever and there was a snake placed over him that dripped poison or venom or something onto him. What was it?"

"I... Loki was never bound or tortured."

"But the Poetic Edda said...."

"Let me guess," Thor interjected. "Did Loki suggest you read it?"

Natasha shifted slightly from one foot to the other. "I mean he didn't suggest I read it, he just said something about how he'd suffered worse punishment than sitting in a jail cell with magic-inhibiting cuffs..." She bit her lip, debating telling Thor what she was hoping to do to Loki. "So I looking through it and came across that story and I thought the poison would be helpful for interrogating him..."

Thor cradled his head in his hands and spoke to the ground. "Do you remember when Anthony chastised me for sending money over the inter-network to who I thought to be a destitute prince but turned out to be a middle-aged man?"

She hesitated. "Yes..."

He lifted his face from his hands before looking up at her. "You cannot take everything my brother says to heart."

"So, no poison...?" She asked hesitantly.

Thor closed his eyes and sighed exasperatedly before pinching the bridge of his nose. Natasha didn't stick around for an answer.

~~~

Tony had been glancing strangely from the television to Thor for the past hour before Thor finally asked what was wrong. Tony shifted in his seat and studied his shoes for a long time before responding.

"So, Loki told me—"

"Ah! Of course, my brother!" Thor bellowed.

Tony's ears turned a bright pink. "I mean if it's something you don't want to talk about then that's fine bro," he stammered.

Thor sighed. "Pray tell, what has my brother regaled to you."

"I– he– I mean, it's no where in Norse mythology, but I doubt everything was written down about Asgard and what all went down there—"

"Out with it, Anthony!"

"Loki said that you two had a child that was a giant hamster." Tony blurted.

Thor stared at him before managing to ask, "What?"

"Hey, whatever floats your faering. If you two got freaky in the sheets that's all cool. Totally not judging." He paused for only half a second to deliberate his question. "I was just wondering how that would work. I know Loki turned into a mare to have Sleipnir, so does that mean you screwed a—"

"I neither engage in sexual intercourse with my brother or rodent! And Loki has never had sexual intercourse with either a horse or a hamster."

"So Loki just popped out a hamster? How does that work? Is his plumbing set up differently downstairs or—"

"Loki only has male genitalia!" Thor interrupted. "And he has never carried an infant!" Thor stood to leave. Before he made it half way across the room he stopped to point a finger at Tony.

"And if Loki and I DID have a child together it would look human and it would be majestic!"

**Author's Note:**

> So this was my first ever prompt fill for norsekink.... please be gentle.


End file.
